Trust

Every time that I’m in a circle, I realize how important trust is. Trust manifests along with the intention of being part of a circle. When you’re part of a circle, you become part of something bigger than yourself. The circle wouldn’t be the same without you and you’re never the same again. Being in a circle is absolutely different than just observing it. The circle has its own voice and it respect yours. Trust is a firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing; but trust is also more than that. Trust is the relationship within which the trust is based. 

Lacking trust is a frequent problems in couples, organizations, societies, etc. you may 
like other people, but not necessarily trust them. Trust cannot be taken for granted. We need to build it, create it, maintain it. Which means that we have to come to terms with the possibility of breach and betrayal.

Re-building trust is one of the most complex tasks in life. It’s frequently compared to a crumpled paper. You can try to restore it, but it won’t look the same.

Our reluctance to trust is rooted in feelings of insecurity and egotism, and our ability to trust is founded in feelings of safety and acceptance.  Trust is not control, nor cordial hypocrisy. Trust is a form of freedom. We allow other people to be who they are; also, we trust the process without trying to control the outcome.

 In our process to improve ourselves, we have to learn to trust one another. Trust is an opening up of the world, an openness to its gifts. Breaches of trust don’t mark the end of trust but are part of the process of trusting. Trusting, not trustworthiness is the issue. It’s a matter of changing each other and the relationship through trust.

The worst enemies of trust are cynicism, selfishness and a naive conception of life in which one expects more than one is willing to give. Trust and control are incompatible, because the core of trust involves freedom.

DISTRUST
Distrust is the other side of the coin. Distrust demands suspicion;  authentic trust incorporates the possibility of distrust and is inconceivable without it. Such trust is no longer simple, but sophisticated and experienced. 

Basic trust starts when you are a kid and your needs are satisfied. Distrustful families raise distrustful children. So, perhaps your family was distrustful and now you’re in the difficult process of trusting other people, or you have experienced betrayal repeated times and you’re afraid of trusting again. But since it’s the only way to have an honest relationship with other person, you need to re-build trust.

LET’S WORK!

The first ingredient of trust is self-trust. How can we trust someone when we don’t trust ourselves? If this is your case, analyze why you don’t trust in yourself. Get professional help if it’s needed. Also, do what you say and honor your promises. And if you cannot longer honor them, apologize face to face with the other person. Be honest and speak from your heart and when you have the feeling that the other person is not being honest, make sure that s/he knows you are being open.

Then, extend your trusting process to other people. Go beyond the family and your closest friends. In our day to day lives we are surrounded by strangers whom we implicitly trust because we have to. Choose more people to trust them. When they seem to be genuinely concerned about you, share important information or at least tell them why you cannot disclose certain things. Be honest with yourself and with the rest of the world and you will see how a lot of people are also trustworthy. 

 

 

Aphei – it is kind to ask for help

Through Toke Møller,one of many teachers (although an unofficial one), I was reminded of Aphei, an ancient practice that means:  It is kind to ask for help.

 A person who

cannot

ask for help

cannot

be trusted

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to see how people flourish through the helping process. During a 3-day event, we collaborated, shared laughs and information and worked together. Finally, we closed the event with a session of co-creation: a group of people presented projects, and  the rest of the attendees formed small groups and supported one of this project with our expertise, questions and suggestions.  For some hours, we became their consultants and our clients shared their needs and information about their projects. 

ask for help 2013

It’s amazing to see how this simple practice of asking for help and being open to receive it can change a person and a situation so much. The process of helping also enriches the helper, and although there are some rules that need to be considered in order to be helpful, when we help from a place of respect and appreciation for the other person, both grow.  We usually think that asking for help will make us vulnerable, but the reality is that if we don’t ask for help when we need it, the things that we fear most (losing control and being vulnerable) will probably happen.  Remember, all the problems start small.

LET’S WORK!

Think of a topic where you need some help: either input, questions or help in the execution of something. Be careful with requesting advice, as the responsibility should always rely on you and not on the other person, remember also that an advice that is not followed usually has an impact on relationships.

Be clear on the type of help you may need and find who is the best person to provide it. Ask the person if they would be willing to help you with your process, allow them the opportunity to decline, and explain briefly the topic. If they decline, say thanks, too. It takes courage to do it.

If they accept, proceed to give a more detailed explanation: what happened, what did you do, who else is involved, what do you think the problem may be, and clarify what would you like to achieve. Be open to answer questions and be challenged on your assumptions. Ask for clarification if it’s needed and be open to co-create new results. Finally, always remember to be grateful!

Feel free to contact me if you need some help : ) or leave a comment!

The 4 keys for Change

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
“I don’t much care where –”
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

You want to be happy. You want to feel good. You want to change a situation that is not pleasant. And that’s what we all want, but how?

Past or future concept.

SUPPORTING THE CHANGE PROCESS

1. If you haven’t done it yet, this is a great time to start: choose your thoughts. You might “listen” to all of them, but you don’t have to let them stay.

You need to stop feeling as a victim so you can take the power back. The other person or the situation is no longer in control.  As Viktor Frankl said: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

When we’re in control we can change things. 

2. Identify the situation: Once that you take ownership of the situation, you can move forward. To do it, you need two things: identify where you are and where are you want to go. Once that you know both things you can start walking. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time, as you don’t know for sure if you’re headed on the right direction.

The best way to change something in your life is to find who are you. What inspires you. How do you feel about your current situation. What is the gap between where you are and where you want to be. How willing are you to make the change. Because, let’s face it: change has a price, and you might decide as well not to pay it. And that’s ok!

3. Now that you know where you’re going, you need to have a plan. Plans are not important, planning is key. You need to have a clear plan in mind and you need to be flexible about it.  A plan will focus your mind; it will filter the thousands of thoughts that come to your mind every day and let you pay attention to the important ones. Plan every week but give yourself enough free time to enjoy life and enough flexibility to be spontaneous.

4. Don’t lose faith! As one of my favorite authors, Clarissa Pinkola Estes says, “Do not lose heart. We were made for these times”. Don’t accept discouragement from anyone (including you). Don’t walk back if you’re headed somewhere. Take advantage of every effort you have made, even if didn’t work in the way you expected. As for the negative comments, well, consider them as fertilizer for the skills you’re cultivating.  People sometimes have a weird ways of reacting to change. When you’re in control of your life, some people will react, but remember that if they love you, they’ll accept you.

It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t listen to what people have to say, especially people that are important to you, but, you need to identify their intentions and reasons. Is it fear? envy? resentment? Then, don’t take it with you.

We can either make things happen or watch what happens, the choice is yours.  You just need to trust the process.